Could I move to Utah?

I don't know. I haven't heard back from the Baltimore doctor. Some guy in Utah is 11 years older than me and interested in me. It is just that it is far away and eleven years is a lot. There are lots of guys in the DC area. None that I'm currently dating, but I can't picture myself out West again. I'd really have to fall for this guy. I just can't imagine doing that online. Besides Utah is so far in the middle of nowhere.

An overachiever

I don't know if I can date an overachiever. I think I would fall short of his expectations. I started corresponding with a doctor who has started his own practice, written a couple books and owns a beach house. That is all well and good, but what have I done that even comes close? Oh yeah! I started speech therapy. Maybe once I finish I'll be able to keep a job longer than a couple months. Well, he is in Baltimore and I doubt that I'll ever meet him. We shall see.

No one is reading anymore

I checked. Today I had one page impression. Yes, I realize my life has gotten that boring. I haven't heard from the black dude on match who wants to meet me, so yesterday I sent an email to some doctor in Baltimore. I got a wink back. That means he wasn't even interested enough to say hello. That pretty much stinks.

Hmmm...

My brother picked up an application to work at the Recreation Center. I don't know what he wants to do. This morning he said he wasn't ready to be done being unemployed. I'm hoping that his second job interview with CSC goes well next week and he can start immediately. I don't know if taking a part time job at the recreation center will jeopardize his unemployment benefits. But that is where I work part time. Although right now I'm taking a break from it.
I'm not sure how I'll spend my Halloween. I hate the whole dressing up thing. It is annoying not to be yourself.

Speech Therapy

So, I'm doing speech therapy. It is really cognitive remediation. Hopefully, she will provide me with techniques to overcome my weaknesses at worksites. She said in the last year, she has helped five other people like me. She was very optimistic. I wish that we actually did more than a simple evaluation today. It seemed like a waste of time, but I realize that there is some sort of procedure. She wanted to know my goals and what I hope to accomplish with cognitive remediation.

The Count Off

Family home evening and my former crush showed up. I was thrilled. He is a fun guy whether he is around for jokes or eye candy. We broke the midsingles group up into three groups. We counted off and as much as I would have preferred not to have my adorable crush in my group, he ended up being the third person. I really need to get a crush on someone who is interested in me.

An old crush sat next to me

With the creation of a midsingles Sunday School, there is the opportunity to interact with other midsingles. I sat in the front row and looked around for an old crush, hoping that he would enjoy the ward enough to return, but alas, he hadn't made it from the chapel into the multipurpose room. I was thrilled that he chose to sit next to me today. He could have manuevered his way to the back row, but he filled in the seat right next to me. Unfortunately, I don't think he is interested in me, but a he is great eye candy.

Rained out and Richmond

The barn dance Halloween extravaganza was cancelled due to inclement weather. I ended up at the Braut and root beer tasting event. It was cute, but lacking in hot guys. There was one who was visiting from Richmond. I was sorely disappointed because he wasn't terribly interested in me. That is okay because he lives a couple hours away and was only visiting. Maybe something good will turn up this weekend.

Online Denial

I emailed this guy four times with the news that I was not interested in him. I blocked him from contact and kept him blocked for a week. I was curious to see if he would email me if I unblocked him, so I did that yesterday and today I got another email from the guy. I decided he is a possible stalker and blocked him again. I feel bad because I sent a generic "no thanks" email saying I met someone else and want to see where it goes. I haven't met anyone else. I hope to tomorrow night at the party. It is funny because I know that I have emailed men too frequently and they get turned off by that. Usually it is just because I'm bored and looking for something to do. I'll write something stupid and they take it seriously because they have real jobs that keep them busy.

A Teenage Stalker?

I substituted at Madison High School today. I passed out a test, sat back in my chair and folded my arms to watch the kids work. I kept the crossed most of the hour and one of the students picked up on it. He mimicked me at the end of class. Everyone had left the room and he stood in front of me with his arms folded across his chest. I told him to leave. The funny thing is that half way through the next class, I noticed him in the hallway with his arms folded across his chest looking in my classroom. He must have had lunch or a pass to the bathroom. If it wasn't high school, I think I would have been creeped out. I doubt I'll see him again.

Neuropsych Report

Some of you may know that I have struggled to keep a job in the past. It has been extremely frustrating because I have an IQ that is slightly above average and I achieved above average grades in school. I went on to complete a Bachelor's and Master's degree and still got fired. I had a neuropsychologist report done and recently got it back. It explains a lot, but I'm not sure exactly what to do. Turns out, my scores are all over the place. I had great memory recognition, but free recall was poor. In other words, when you give me a test on something, I will regurgitate the answers, but if you expect me to recall specific details on my own without prompts, it isn't going to happen. I also have a slower than normal processing speed. I scored in the first percentile compared to others in my age range with the same level of education. My sustained attention was poor too. I had excellent word finding abilities and so I seem normal. People think that when I don't start something immediately it is because I'm lazy, but really, I'm still processing the request! One time when I was fired, they called me "laxidazical." I thought I was getting everything done that they asked in a reasonable time frame. Unfortunately, it could be caused by my medication, which I can't stop taking. I start cognitive remediation on Tuesday.

Family Home Evening

I went to the new ward's FHE. There were only about ten midsingles, but that made it easier to keep track of everyone. My new friend, Melodi, invited me to go with her to the midsingles Halloween party this weekend. It should be fun. She is an accountant and crossfit junkie like John, so they should get along. I'm looking forward to meeting new people.

New Ward, new people to meet!

I went to the Oak Marr midsingles magnet ward yesterday. It was the first day and they had a large turnout of single adults. No men that I'd be terribly interested in, but we it was nice to see other people who are in the same situation. It most likely will grow with time and that is good. Tonight there is a family home evening. John and I plan on going. It should be fun.

Man, a lot of LDS social drinkers

I joined match.com because they had this six month free thing. I was hoping to find an LDS guy. I had tried ldsmingle.com without much luck once and thought checking out match.com would be a little different. For one, I'm older and not being LDS is no longer a dealbreaker. However, I find it disappointing to see how many guys are listing that they are LDS and are social drinkers. I did find a hot LDS guy in San Diego who doesn't drink and wrote that he is looking for an eternal companion. I doubt he'll email me back, but I have been disappointed before. No big deal. I will survive.

Reminder

So, I dated a younger man this summer. I had moved away from going to YSA activities, but decided that just this once, I'd go to a party hosted by a young single adult. It was a good reminder not to go again. Even though Clay Cook and Scott White had put down that they were going, I knew I was going to be one of the older people there. And since I wasn't in their crowd, no one talked to me. I was surprised that the guy I went out with didn't even say hello, but that's okay. I left early because I had a cold and could tell that there were going to keep us there awhile. I'm sure no one missed me.

Back from California

The trip was going to be awesome. We had flying and an air show on the agenda. Then my father had heart problems. I got sick and in sunny California it rained. I couldn't really go site seeing. I spent a day in my hotel room. The flight back was awful. I got a middle seat. While the man next to me was rude and took up two places in the overhead compartments instead of using the space under the seat in front of him, I had my legroom shortened because I put my one carryon in front of me. I shared my cold with him. By the time the plane landed, I heard him coughing. Ahh...sweet revenge.

Ended the Friendship

I texted the young guy today to let him know I was going to institute and Jessica's party in case he wanted to avoid me. He told me I was great and questioned why I would think he wanted to avoid me. I told him that it was because I couldn't be friends with him anymore. I didn't go from dating to friendship and that I was sorry. He responded with, "It's all good. I'll see you around." So it is officially over and I can really move on.

Funny

I'm determined not to ruin this guy's reputation with gossip. I think it is petty. Besides he can ruin relationships by his own stupid mistakes. I let him read the blog to clue him in to what they are in case he did want to change. I've realized that men aren't into changing and improving themselves. They are more interested in chance and luck. Women are all about self improvement, understanding what they did wrong and how they can improve. Yeah, I checked facebook this morning knowing full well that I wouldn't have any mail from the guy because I blocked him. Every day gets easier. Plus, I should get my driver's license back in a couple weeks. That will give me more freedom to meet other men.

It will be fine

I hate hurt feelings. I don't like the idea that I might have hurt the younger man's feelings. I keep resisting the urge to check and see how he is doing. Blocking him is the only way to move on. It sucks because I know I won't have any email from him when I check my facebook. I talked to my sister today. It made me feel better. She told me on Friday that she wouldn't be surprised if he never talked to me again. I think that is what needs to happen for us to both move on. He wasn't a terrible guy. He was just asking me to do something I couldn't do - be friends with someone who rejected me. Writing about it helps.

Lesson Learned

Well, I blocked the younger man on facebook after he told me we needed to take a break as facebook friends. He told me I had drama. I need a clean break. I knew it after he told me "let's be friends." I can't date someone and then be friends with them. If we're friends first, then maybe I can. Rejection hurts emotionally. I can't put myself through that with him yet again. I also realized today that he was using me for golf. Now that my free driving range priveledges are over, he isn't responding to my invites. When he refused to take me to institute or a FHE activity, I realized that even in our friendship, there wasn't a good balance of give and take. I think had he been courteous and declined the breakfast invite and told me he didn't want to give me a ride to Jessica's party, I would not be upset. However, he just ignored both questions all together.

It is easy to point a finger

It is easy to see faults in other people, but not yourself. I got an email from a guy and he essentially told me that he didn't want my drama. I'm really puzzled by this one. I think that he was the one playing games. So, it pretty much irritates me that he told me he wanted to avoid drama from me. I know some of his friends and am almost tempted to write his name here. I know he reads this blog. I honestly hope he doesn't go to any of the same parties that I'm planning on attending or show up at institute for a long time.

Well, maybe not

The scientist that wanted to go out with me this week found out that I don't drive and suddenly isn't all that interested after all. He questioned me, what if this worked out and I wanted you to come to my place? I like to take things one step at a time and not look at future predicaments. Besides, I should be able to drive in a month. My super tall friend is going on the camping trip this weekend, so I doubt I'd get a date with him. Bummer.

Yeah! I got an email from Leah!

My best friend in medical school is coming to visit. She emailed me today and said she was coming this weekend. Of course I'll be in San Francisco this weekend. But, I was thrilled. She said she is going to break up with the younger man she has been seeing. I doubt she will. She tried to the last time she visited. He actually made dating younger men appealing to me and I changed my mind about Langley men. Of course, when I wanted to go to the Langley activities, my friend decided to stop going. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe he thought I was ugly and didn't want to be seen with me. I might go to a party in Vienna next weekend hosted by Jessica Nielson. Maybe I'll meet some people there.

Looking forward

It has now been twenty years since my first seizure. My parents never got me therapy. They encouraged me to get some once in my twenties, but I didn't see the point. I realized that now is the perfect time because my insurance will cover all of it. I told the neuropsych about my suicidal thoughts and he will probably make a recommendation for it. People with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy often have suicidal thoughts that they don't act on. I've read. I couldn't hurt my family, but I do think about what if I swallowed my entire bottle of keppra and would it be easier on the other side? Anyway, I pay a psychologist to be my friend. He won't ever bail on me or move away. My best friend is in medical school now and I don't have anyone to hang out with in Oakton. I'm hoping the new midsingles ward will provide me with some friendships. It was easier in Alexandria where I was surrounded by people and activities.

Lost the friendship

Well, I texted the young guy and told him I wasn't upset anymore. I invited him to do breakfast as we had talked about on Monday, but he didn't respond. I sent him an email on facebook and told him that I was not upset. He didn't respond or add me back as a friend, so I think I've lost that friendship. I'm sad, but it will be okay. I'm grateful that we aren't facebook friends and I won't be instant messaging him and telling hm that I wanted to kiss him. I can't believe that I fell for that. He was a good friend for the most part. I guess that I learned a lesson. Don't tell men to read your blog and don't complain when you tell them that they can use you for golf and then start to resent the fact when you realize that they are doing just that.

Cause and Effect

I wonder if I really prevented any relationship from forming with the last guy I went out with because I kept writing that it was going nowhere. Mentally, I think that reinforces the negative. I guess I didn't want to get hurt when nothing happened, but I never allowed myself to become too attached to the guy. I wonder if I will ever let my guard down enough to form attachments to someone else. We'll see. I wish that I was staying in California longer. There is someone out there who is super tall that I want to go out with.

Wasting time has its place

I think the young guy I was seeing was upset when I kept writing on here that I was wasting my time with him. But, let's consider some other time wasters - television, facebook, movies. They actually all have a place in my life. You need friends to give you a hug when you are down. While I'd rather date a guy than be friends with him, I probably was a little critical in my last post. Perhaps I shouldn't have blurted out the 25 year old's social blunder. We all have our own mistakes we've made.
I'm going out with a scientist next week. I'm intimidated by how many languages he speaks and degrees he has. I think it will only be a single date before he dumps me. We shall see.

So selfish

Little things are important when you are dating even if you are just friends. The 25 year old didn't realize this one. It was chilly and we were driving home. I didn't want the windows down because I didn't want the wind to blow my wig around and I was cold. He wanted the wind through his hair and didn't mind it being cold for seven minutes. Oh, yeah, my hair started falling out in patches a few months ago. It is growing back now. I never told the guy I was wearing a wig. Even though I rolled my window up and mentioned I was cold, he insisted. It wasn't until I made the statement, "so you don't care that I'm cold," That he realized the potential impact that action had. What does he say? "Oh, I better roll them up or you'll tell all your friends and ruin my reputation." No, he didn't care at all about my feelings. I laughed and told him I wouldn't tell anyone. And didn't until now. I removed him from my facebook friends until I get over him. I will and we'll be friends again, but not now.
The good news is that I have some other men to go out with. They are older. One is 39 and the other is 41. We'll see if they care. I told the 39 year old online that I lost my hair, the picture was old and I wear a wig and he is still interested.

Yipee Skipee!

That one guy I kept going out with admitted to me today that we weren't going anywhere. Finally. I feel like he manipulated me. After I told him I didn't want to hang out with him, he told me he was all sad and wanted to kiss me. Kissing is fun, but don't ever fall for that carrot. Especially when they aren't around to do anything about it. I don't know if I should see him again or not. But I don't care I have options. They guys aren't LDS, but that is okay. No one is perfect.